of being optimistic and human

How can you stay optimistic and at the same time being human.. ? Some of my entries might arise some doubts especially in handling life events optimistically. I have to admit- most of the time.. my ability to look at things positively is absent! owh.. i do lock myself out .. isolate myself from the outside world. There are times when i feel so alone.. and.. it seemed that people tend to look down on me due to the fact that i am too weak to overcome certain things in life while some even view my presence would do them more harm than good ("owh no,she brings bad vibes- i have no time for these things" kinda thing..) well... that's what i think..

Their silence most of the time do send me back to the grave of depression and when they seemed to ignore my cry for help..their actions rob my last coin of hope to face my life with positivism. But then... i have to remind myself... NOBODY.. not even one single soul is designed to do this- to be d perfect one whom u can rely and said - that's the one i can rely on.. Hey! Even your own shadow leaves u! Wake up! Hoo.. yeah right.. like those were the time i can really wake up! Like those were the time i can really console myself..

Being alone- with no one to share what you shouldered all these years carrying the bag of grief is not a favorable situation that anyone would want. What more life nowadays - it is so much on the fast track - that some of us could not afford a single second for a soul that needed our help- sometimes it just cant be done. and.. with that.. i did try to tell myself- i should not be even more depressed with the silence. Friends.. families.. everyone- are not designed to be the one who is always there for you to face each heart wrenching moments.. to bare the cold in the grave of depression.

but then again.. i have to bow to the fact that.. i have feelings and these feelings just couldn't just go away. Sometimes - you just feel really tired of fighting that you just dropped on your knees and succumb to the feelings. . . . And whether we like it or not.. that is a part of being HUMAN - designed in such a way that we are full of feelings, enriched with levels of perceptions and spoiled  by tons of expectations.

Sadly, not many of us are able to accept this part of being human. Most of us would deny the fact that sometimes we need to endure this part of being human - the part where we become weak and where it seemed like there's nothing we can do except to be on our knees.. weeping at our own defeat! What makes it more sad is that.. we failed to realized that.. with this part of being human, we become a little bit more dependent on Allah. Alone but not alone.. and having this part of being human is a gift.. a reminder.. a detour to the route- the only route that leads to HIM.. and with this- it is suffice to be optimistic about life.. about being human- all weak and dependent.. this what makes this breathing beautiful! Alhamdulillah...

Our Lord, and make us Muslims [in submission] to You and from our descendants a Muslim nation [in submission] to You. And show us our rites and accept our repentance. Indeed, You are the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.

(Al Baqarah : 128)

love and rizq

to love and to be loved in return. 

Love is often perceived as an entity of ownership - so much so that when we fall out of love we hold frustrations or even grudges to the person whom we expect to sustain their shower of love onto us. 

I was one till a fated talk between two friends woke me up. 

....

It was raining heavily and i was driving. Just like the dark skies, my heart sank as i drove passed the hills. I need to clear my perspectives on things.. then she called. We talked.. exchanged updates and as the heavy raindrops flows onto my windscreen.. my feelings spilled out- of frustrations to be the one being ignored.. of self-loathe for being too weak to fight.. too weak to be on my own..

"Love is not an entity of ownership. It's not ours to give nor to hold. 

It is an entity of rizq of which only God decides who owns it"

Her very words describing love - an entity of rizq kept me quiet for a long time. All these while i've placed myself in a jar filled with discontentment.. frustrations and grudges towards that someone whom i thought could love me the way i wanted him to. How i have wronged myself! How could i questioned my rights of having his love when.. his love itself is - the rizq.

How we human so often than not tainted our thoughts with expectations especially when it comes to love. We accommodate ourselves with expectations and hopes that tend to surpass the reality - God holds the heart. It is not how much love we should have.. but it is more of how much love we are destined to hold n that's the RIZQ. When we accept love as an entity of RIZQ.. then- be it love lost or shared, ignored or cherished we will be at peace not only with the person but most importantly with ourselves.

Allah gives provision to whom He wills without account

(Al -Baqarah: 212)

   

Off Deprivation, Challenge and Realization

Deprived.

A state of suffering from some form of lacking.

The suffering that an individual went through that could be cured only by receiving what is being deprived of. But then - sometimes what is being deprived of  or what we perceive as being deprived of may not be actually the exact thing that we should seek upon.

As human - we can't escape from the fact that we would be tested in many ways. We often seek for things that would take us away from being deprived. The more we seek and failed .. the more at times we feel sad and inadequate. What more when the things we needed the most - being deprived of it seemed to be impossible to get away from it.

But then... if we look deeper into things.. we could actually see that the state of being deprived is only a form of 'vehicle' to transport us out of our old selves. Yup! Deprivation, as i see it- is merely a vehicle to move us- from the state of being in need of something to someone new and developed.


Without deprivation of certain things we could never have the drive to change. It is human nature to need the struggle in order to change.. and move forward. I realized that as i take a step back from the state of being deprived of... being deprived of my rights.. my needs. The phase of deprivation itself is a process of changing me.

A change. Maybe that is what i really need. A change from someone who relies on love and affection to a more independent individual. Sometimes, the things that we thought would complete us as a person maybe the very thing that would strike our downfall. I realized that if i were drenched in love and affection from the person whom i thought should have provided me -   i would be a person who may not be as grateful as i am right now for being me.. I guess if i were showered with too much love and affection - i will not be dependent on God the way it is supposed to be.. I would depend only on His beings instead of HIM- the All Mighty.. the Ruler of Heaven and Earth and between.

Challenge.
Being deprived of things is a challenge. A challenge for us to change. Instead of being depressed for not having our needs fulfilled, we should take it as a challenge that we need to overcome. Of course we need to strive our best to have what we need at first, but when things don't work out the way we expected it to be- we should move forward. I guess it always helps to train ourselves to have good thoughts. What more with what is destined to be. God created us. He knows what is the best for us. Going through the state of deprivation is just a mode of transition to become the new us - the individuals that is designed by Him to be.

Realization.
The key to face the state of deprivation is realization. Realization of its challenge and its mode of transition. Once it is being realized, I believe that this depressing and confusing state could be sailed across the ocean of needs. I am sure that once we have crossed this line of deprivation, we could see that we are placed in such a 'needy' state for a reason and definitely it is for us to change to a better us.

... But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.

(Al Baqarah : 216)

Hold on to His words

Words... when words are uttered, they spread the plague. The plague of expectations. I didn't realized this till the day i finally come face to face with a lost. The lost of the credibility of the words i used to hang on to... The lost of validity of promises .. The lost of hope.

The world for me before- was filled with dependencies. Dependent on words upon words uttered. Dependent on the being - of always being there for me... Dependent of support.. protection.. comfort..  name it- it's everything! Owh well - Tell me - who doesn't? Particularly with the one whom we placed our heart to.

....and that's where I go wrong - being too dependent..holding on to words when they finally become JUST words being uttered. 
A nightmare - I was awaken by a horrible one tonight. So horrible that i woke up feeling so frightened and helpless. Just this one nightmare- i got up and in the midst of calming myself down.. i realized...
If years ago- i guess being haunted by nightmares will never be a problem for i know there's always that someone that i could rely on 'protecting' me.. calming me.. comforting me. 
If years ago- having to worry on some things would not be a burden for me for i know i have someone to share my worries with.. there- immediately..
If years ago.... yes! If years ago...

No one wants to be alone- particularly when the peace of mind is being shattered. 
However - when we place too much dependencies on others instead of the Rightful One - we ourselves have jeopardised our own peace state of mind. I come to realized this with this nightmare tonight which- has left me feeling grateful. I am grateful that - with His mercy.. and love I realized that because of this lost.. i have come to depend on HIM.. His words... His words are the only words I depended on now. It is only His words that is true. Only His words can heal.. calm or even protect me. 
I should have recited his words to protect me. I should have remembered His words of reminder to calm me... I should have hold on only to HIS words. NOT to words being uttered - YEARS AGO.

Words are just words being uttered. It is with His permission that these words become valid. Stating to someone "I LOVE YOU" sounds like a promise that I'm giving my heart and soul to you.. that my ONLY love is for you.. that you are always the one that I LOVE. But that statement comes with a validity - whether the 3 powerful words are valid for a period of time or are they just words... or... they become a phrase that holds a lifetime validity. 

.... and ... this validity is only in the hands of GOD ....

so... when words being uttered.. matters to worry .. things to be frightened of .. dreams being shattered..  -  be patient, have faith.. just hold on tightly to His words.. for only His words are true. 

"So be patient, [O Muhammad]. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth. And ask forgiveness for your sin and exalt [ Allah ] with praise of your Lord in the evening and the morning. "

Ghafir: 55

It's a runaway of life

It has been awhile since my last entry.. been through a lot of things which for me..every of it is a seed of self-improvement no matter how hard it would be. Life is truly a stage.. and every lady should treat it as a runaway stage. No matter what happens- if you fall down while you strut in your 5" stillettos- you should get up and keep on walking with style..

.... and.. that's life ~ we stumbled with mistakes we made. Still.. we should keep on walking with head look forward and strut in style. No doubt it is difficult at times... Yup! Definitely difficult. Especially in dealing with mistakes that could have been avoided at the first place.

Mistakes are like falling on the runaway. Ho.. yes.. the incident will keep on repeating itself over and over again in our mind... keep on haunting and building fear over things. I was often being haunted.. by my mistakes. I thought that once i get over with mistakes that i've done, i would be wiser and smart enough NOT to commit the same mistakes again. BUT... still.. i was wrong.

People often say that mistakes done on the second time is not a mistake anymore..it is more of a choice. Hmmmm... well... sometimes it is not driven by choice but it is more of hope ~ hmm..so naive..or should i say stupidity-bounded?  The phase that i went through being haunted by my mistakes..done over and over again.. has got me thinking.. analyzing the 'why'... Self blaming at first..and getting nowhere near self recovery- i realized that the re-occurrence of mistakes that i've done was hope-driven. I thought that ..'may be this time round' it'll be different. Still- hurt and confused.. the mistakes that i've done hit me harder this time- just like a boomerang.

 .... so.. i've learnt and re-learnt: it is just like buying new pair of stilettos. All depends on the judgement- but then - when feelings over-ruled our thoughts... how could we possibly make the right one.. Owhh well - that's the bitter truth. Feelings. Wrong kind of stilettos- A fall .. a stumble on the runaway. All based on judgement.

Walking gracefully in style on the runaway of life takes experiences of handling mistakes.. though being haunted by mistakes.. fear of re-occurrences- the walk of life should be taken with courage. What's important is what is learnt, forgiving oneself and others, repentence and enough courage to strut forward. After all- God only bestow us with only one life.. a precious gift that should not be given away easily. Choose to walk it well - for me: let's do it in style... an appreciation to such precious gift...  ;)

Except those who repent and do righteous deeds, and openly declare (the truth which they concealed). These, I will accept their repentance. And I am the One Who accepts repentance, the Most Merciful. [Quran, 2:160]

Dear Heart... bend a little ..for me.

.. have you been in a situation where all you can think about at that particular time was... "Dear God.. I'm bearing this unbearable heartache because You..O Mighty.." ? what would you do the moment there seemed to be other option that is so invitingly good but then you stop yourself from making that choice because you know.. deep in your heart all that matters is not your desire to end your misery but for the love of God...?

Many a time I was in that kind of dilemma.. I was pressured to make choices that it may seemed right but the moment i detached myself from my feelings..forcing myself to think straight.. I put myself back into the hole of misery. 

My morning today began with tears... filled with heartache and pain. As hard as I tried, finally i just had to give in to my feelings.. questions upon questions kept rushing in..filling every part of my thoughts. Am I weak to succumb to this kind of heartache? Am I stupid to allow myself to be hurt over and over again not even wanting to free myself from this web of thorns engulfing my heart?  Who am I???? 

Then... 
I found a voice in me.. comforting as it is.. reminding me that God is watching.. God witnessed every heartache every tormenting moment I had with his other being... the being He had assigned me to. That very moment, I find comfort in that little voice ... "Dear God... I'm bearing this with all my patience for You.. for I know You are Most Loving Most Forgive-ful". In heartache.. every little piece of my broken heart... I was reminded for all the good things I had in my life.. even witnessed His love.. Should I be so ungrateful that I would behave selfishly.. doing things that would only defy Him..the All-Mighty??
If this little heart was meant to bear more and more heartache for now..or even forever.. then.. be it.. I know God is with me.. He has showed me the fruit of being patient. I should hang on.. I should hang on for His words are true..so ever true. 

Many may questioned or even labelled my decision to hang on as unwise.. weak.. 
by all means let them- for they don't walk in my shoes. I hang on because I hang on with God's words. The pursue of hunting happiness will be useless when we seek happiness by committing things that would defy Him, the All Mighty. 

I believe that when we are destined to be entangled with a situation .. it is for our own good. We should not let whatever happened to us change our perceptions about God or even defying His words- what more change the person we are meant to be- His good servant. No matter how heavy the burden placed over our hearts..our shoulders.. just remember they are only God's instrument to change us for better not worst.
Dear heart.. bend a little.. be good to me..o dear heart.... 

Act patience; your patience comes only from God. Do not feel saddened because of them nor be in any anguish over how they plot. God stands alongside those who fulfill their duty and who act kindly.

Surah An-Nahl (16:127-128)

... the one is the best ..

... most of us may think that the best person for us is the person who never fails to make us happy.., always be there to offer the most comfortable hugs when we need one... The one who would never hurt you.. the one who are heaven sent.. :)

... thinking back.. almost whole of my life i've been having such thoughts designing my perception towards what my married life should be.. come to think of it- how naive.. Some may disagree with me- yes.. of course- everyone deserved to be loved..sincerely and wholeheartedly. Still- without we realizing it- by putting such standards we have placed ourselves on a verge of getting hurt.

.. I belief that marriage is match made in heaven. It is HE who assigns certain individual for us and because of that..i belief the designated individual is the best person for us. It took me sometime to realize this. I was hurt..heart broken..still..as tears frequently blinded my eyes..i found my way closer to God... and with such lonely path a first- i learnt the reasons God has assigned someone special for us to walk the path of life with- well... I learnt that loving someone should not be overshadowed by expectation for that someone is only His being.. God holds his heart..in fact everyone's heart.

Life is all about changes.. Nothing is guaranteed. A love pledge made today carries no guarantee of its validity tomorrow. A change of hearts happens with His permission. Hence.., love thy spouse with no expectation. I learnt through out the years that it is only He..the All Mighty that owns our hopes..expectation- for He never turn His back on His promises. "Your Lord has said, 'Call upon Me and I will answer you..." (al-mukmin: 60). Things may not change in time as we expected..but.. at least in waiting..we strengthened our faith to Him bit by bit..and that's all that matters...and because of this- the person who causes our heartache..who broke our heart is the very best person designed for us for because of him/her..we found our strength..and we had strengthened our faith to God. Hence- he/her has made us a better person..a better humble being of HIS.

Whenever i think of this.. I am grateful..and each time when asked if i could turn back time..i would never hesitate to say that- i would never change a thing.. not a single thing.. not even the very day my heart was broken into pieces.. I belief- my heart was made to be broken so that i learnt to love appropriately.. to love 'correctly'..to love someone not by defining what i understand about love but to love someone according to how it is supposed to be loved for he is heaven sent..specially assigned for me to love with no expectation..

...and that's reality- designed to have such an overpowering taste of bitterness where the sweetness could only be tasted when we are strong enough to search for it in every bitterness that we swallowed. The one..is still the best not for being a great lover nor a responsible and caring spouse but also for being selected by God as someone who blinded us with tears..drench us in sorrow that lead us to discovery of our own strength..our own worth..our ownselves at our very best.. All praise to God for His unlimited love onto His beings. May we be led to the path filled with His blessings..ameennn..