of being optimistic and human

How can you stay optimistic and at the same time being human.. ? Some of my entries might arise some doubts especially in handling life events optimistically. I have to admit- most of the time.. my ability to look at things positively is absent! owh.. i do lock myself out .. isolate myself from the outside world. There are times when i feel so alone.. and.. it seemed that people tend to look down on me due to the fact that i am too weak to overcome certain things in life while some even view my presence would do them more harm than good ("owh no,she brings bad vibes- i have no time for these things" kinda thing..) well... that's what i think..

Their silence most of the time do send me back to the grave of depression and when they seemed to ignore my cry for help..their actions rob my last coin of hope to face my life with positivism. But then... i have to remind myself... NOBODY.. not even one single soul is designed to do this- to be d perfect one whom u can rely and said - that's the one i can rely on.. Hey! Even your own shadow leaves u! Wake up! Hoo.. yeah right.. like those were the time i can really wake up! Like those were the time i can really console myself..

Being alone- with no one to share what you shouldered all these years carrying the bag of grief is not a favorable situation that anyone would want. What more life nowadays - it is so much on the fast track - that some of us could not afford a single second for a soul that needed our help- sometimes it just cant be done. and.. with that.. i did try to tell myself- i should not be even more depressed with the silence. Friends.. families.. everyone- are not designed to be the one who is always there for you to face each heart wrenching moments.. to bare the cold in the grave of depression.

but then again.. i have to bow to the fact that.. i have feelings and these feelings just couldn't just go away. Sometimes - you just feel really tired of fighting that you just dropped on your knees and succumb to the feelings. . . . And whether we like it or not.. that is a part of being HUMAN - designed in such a way that we are full of feelings, enriched with levels of perceptions and spoiled  by tons of expectations.

Sadly, not many of us are able to accept this part of being human. Most of us would deny the fact that sometimes we need to endure this part of being human - the part where we become weak and where it seemed like there's nothing we can do except to be on our knees.. weeping at our own defeat! What makes it more sad is that.. we failed to realized that.. with this part of being human, we become a little bit more dependent on Allah. Alone but not alone.. and having this part of being human is a gift.. a reminder.. a detour to the route- the only route that leads to HIM.. and with this- it is suffice to be optimistic about life.. about being human- all weak and dependent.. this what makes this breathing beautiful! Alhamdulillah...

Our Lord, and make us Muslims [in submission] to You and from our descendants a Muslim nation [in submission] to You. And show us our rites and accept our repentance. Indeed, You are the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.

(Al Baqarah : 128)

love and rizq

to love and to be loved in return. 

Love is often perceived as an entity of ownership - so much so that when we fall out of love we hold frustrations or even grudges to the person whom we expect to sustain their shower of love onto us. 

I was one till a fated talk between two friends woke me up. 

....

It was raining heavily and i was driving. Just like the dark skies, my heart sank as i drove passed the hills. I need to clear my perspectives on things.. then she called. We talked.. exchanged updates and as the heavy raindrops flows onto my windscreen.. my feelings spilled out- of frustrations to be the one being ignored.. of self-loathe for being too weak to fight.. too weak to be on my own..

"Love is not an entity of ownership. It's not ours to give nor to hold. 

It is an entity of rizq of which only God decides who owns it"

Her very words describing love - an entity of rizq kept me quiet for a long time. All these while i've placed myself in a jar filled with discontentment.. frustrations and grudges towards that someone whom i thought could love me the way i wanted him to. How i have wronged myself! How could i questioned my rights of having his love when.. his love itself is - the rizq.

How we human so often than not tainted our thoughts with expectations especially when it comes to love. We accommodate ourselves with expectations and hopes that tend to surpass the reality - God holds the heart. It is not how much love we should have.. but it is more of how much love we are destined to hold n that's the RIZQ. When we accept love as an entity of RIZQ.. then- be it love lost or shared, ignored or cherished we will be at peace not only with the person but most importantly with ourselves.

Allah gives provision to whom He wills without account

(Al -Baqarah: 212)