Off Deprivation, Challenge and Realization

Deprived.

A state of suffering from some form of lacking.

The suffering that an individual went through that could be cured only by receiving what is being deprived of. But then - sometimes what is being deprived of  or what we perceive as being deprived of may not be actually the exact thing that we should seek upon.

As human - we can't escape from the fact that we would be tested in many ways. We often seek for things that would take us away from being deprived. The more we seek and failed .. the more at times we feel sad and inadequate. What more when the things we needed the most - being deprived of it seemed to be impossible to get away from it.

But then... if we look deeper into things.. we could actually see that the state of being deprived is only a form of 'vehicle' to transport us out of our old selves. Yup! Deprivation, as i see it- is merely a vehicle to move us- from the state of being in need of something to someone new and developed.


Without deprivation of certain things we could never have the drive to change. It is human nature to need the struggle in order to change.. and move forward. I realized that as i take a step back from the state of being deprived of... being deprived of my rights.. my needs. The phase of deprivation itself is a process of changing me.

A change. Maybe that is what i really need. A change from someone who relies on love and affection to a more independent individual. Sometimes, the things that we thought would complete us as a person maybe the very thing that would strike our downfall. I realized that if i were drenched in love and affection from the person whom i thought should have provided me -   i would be a person who may not be as grateful as i am right now for being me.. I guess if i were showered with too much love and affection - i will not be dependent on God the way it is supposed to be.. I would depend only on His beings instead of HIM- the All Mighty.. the Ruler of Heaven and Earth and between.

Challenge.
Being deprived of things is a challenge. A challenge for us to change. Instead of being depressed for not having our needs fulfilled, we should take it as a challenge that we need to overcome. Of course we need to strive our best to have what we need at first, but when things don't work out the way we expected it to be- we should move forward. I guess it always helps to train ourselves to have good thoughts. What more with what is destined to be. God created us. He knows what is the best for us. Going through the state of deprivation is just a mode of transition to become the new us - the individuals that is designed by Him to be.

Realization.
The key to face the state of deprivation is realization. Realization of its challenge and its mode of transition. Once it is being realized, I believe that this depressing and confusing state could be sailed across the ocean of needs. I am sure that once we have crossed this line of deprivation, we could see that we are placed in such a 'needy' state for a reason and definitely it is for us to change to a better us.

... But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.

(Al Baqarah : 216)

Hold on to His words

Words... when words are uttered, they spread the plague. The plague of expectations. I didn't realized this till the day i finally come face to face with a lost. The lost of the credibility of the words i used to hang on to... The lost of validity of promises .. The lost of hope.

The world for me before- was filled with dependencies. Dependent on words upon words uttered. Dependent on the being - of always being there for me... Dependent of support.. protection.. comfort..  name it- it's everything! Owh well - Tell me - who doesn't? Particularly with the one whom we placed our heart to.

....and that's where I go wrong - being too dependent..holding on to words when they finally become JUST words being uttered. 
A nightmare - I was awaken by a horrible one tonight. So horrible that i woke up feeling so frightened and helpless. Just this one nightmare- i got up and in the midst of calming myself down.. i realized...
If years ago- i guess being haunted by nightmares will never be a problem for i know there's always that someone that i could rely on 'protecting' me.. calming me.. comforting me. 
If years ago- having to worry on some things would not be a burden for me for i know i have someone to share my worries with.. there- immediately..
If years ago.... yes! If years ago...

No one wants to be alone- particularly when the peace of mind is being shattered. 
However - when we place too much dependencies on others instead of the Rightful One - we ourselves have jeopardised our own peace state of mind. I come to realized this with this nightmare tonight which- has left me feeling grateful. I am grateful that - with His mercy.. and love I realized that because of this lost.. i have come to depend on HIM.. His words... His words are the only words I depended on now. It is only His words that is true. Only His words can heal.. calm or even protect me. 
I should have recited his words to protect me. I should have remembered His words of reminder to calm me... I should have hold on only to HIS words. NOT to words being uttered - YEARS AGO.

Words are just words being uttered. It is with His permission that these words become valid. Stating to someone "I LOVE YOU" sounds like a promise that I'm giving my heart and soul to you.. that my ONLY love is for you.. that you are always the one that I LOVE. But that statement comes with a validity - whether the 3 powerful words are valid for a period of time or are they just words... or... they become a phrase that holds a lifetime validity. 

.... and ... this validity is only in the hands of GOD ....

so... when words being uttered.. matters to worry .. things to be frightened of .. dreams being shattered..  -  be patient, have faith.. just hold on tightly to His words.. for only His words are true. 

"So be patient, [O Muhammad]. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth. And ask forgiveness for your sin and exalt [ Allah ] with praise of your Lord in the evening and the morning. "

Ghafir: 55

It's a runaway of life

It has been awhile since my last entry.. been through a lot of things which for me..every of it is a seed of self-improvement no matter how hard it would be. Life is truly a stage.. and every lady should treat it as a runaway stage. No matter what happens- if you fall down while you strut in your 5" stillettos- you should get up and keep on walking with style..

.... and.. that's life ~ we stumbled with mistakes we made. Still.. we should keep on walking with head look forward and strut in style. No doubt it is difficult at times... Yup! Definitely difficult. Especially in dealing with mistakes that could have been avoided at the first place.

Mistakes are like falling on the runaway. Ho.. yes.. the incident will keep on repeating itself over and over again in our mind... keep on haunting and building fear over things. I was often being haunted.. by my mistakes. I thought that once i get over with mistakes that i've done, i would be wiser and smart enough NOT to commit the same mistakes again. BUT... still.. i was wrong.

People often say that mistakes done on the second time is not a mistake anymore..it is more of a choice. Hmmmm... well... sometimes it is not driven by choice but it is more of hope ~ hmm..so naive..or should i say stupidity-bounded?  The phase that i went through being haunted by my mistakes..done over and over again.. has got me thinking.. analyzing the 'why'... Self blaming at first..and getting nowhere near self recovery- i realized that the re-occurrence of mistakes that i've done was hope-driven. I thought that ..'may be this time round' it'll be different. Still- hurt and confused.. the mistakes that i've done hit me harder this time- just like a boomerang.

 .... so.. i've learnt and re-learnt: it is just like buying new pair of stilettos. All depends on the judgement- but then - when feelings over-ruled our thoughts... how could we possibly make the right one.. Owhh well - that's the bitter truth. Feelings. Wrong kind of stilettos- A fall .. a stumble on the runaway. All based on judgement.

Walking gracefully in style on the runaway of life takes experiences of handling mistakes.. though being haunted by mistakes.. fear of re-occurrences- the walk of life should be taken with courage. What's important is what is learnt, forgiving oneself and others, repentence and enough courage to strut forward. After all- God only bestow us with only one life.. a precious gift that should not be given away easily. Choose to walk it well - for me: let's do it in style... an appreciation to such precious gift...  ;)

Except those who repent and do righteous deeds, and openly declare (the truth which they concealed). These, I will accept their repentance. And I am the One Who accepts repentance, the Most Merciful. [Quran, 2:160]

Dear Heart... bend a little ..for me.

.. have you been in a situation where all you can think about at that particular time was... "Dear God.. I'm bearing this unbearable heartache because You..O Mighty.." ? what would you do the moment there seemed to be other option that is so invitingly good but then you stop yourself from making that choice because you know.. deep in your heart all that matters is not your desire to end your misery but for the love of God...?

Many a time I was in that kind of dilemma.. I was pressured to make choices that it may seemed right but the moment i detached myself from my feelings..forcing myself to think straight.. I put myself back into the hole of misery. 

My morning today began with tears... filled with heartache and pain. As hard as I tried, finally i just had to give in to my feelings.. questions upon questions kept rushing in..filling every part of my thoughts. Am I weak to succumb to this kind of heartache? Am I stupid to allow myself to be hurt over and over again not even wanting to free myself from this web of thorns engulfing my heart?  Who am I???? 

Then... 
I found a voice in me.. comforting as it is.. reminding me that God is watching.. God witnessed every heartache every tormenting moment I had with his other being... the being He had assigned me to. That very moment, I find comfort in that little voice ... "Dear God... I'm bearing this with all my patience for You.. for I know You are Most Loving Most Forgive-ful". In heartache.. every little piece of my broken heart... I was reminded for all the good things I had in my life.. even witnessed His love.. Should I be so ungrateful that I would behave selfishly.. doing things that would only defy Him..the All-Mighty??
If this little heart was meant to bear more and more heartache for now..or even forever.. then.. be it.. I know God is with me.. He has showed me the fruit of being patient. I should hang on.. I should hang on for His words are true..so ever true. 

Many may questioned or even labelled my decision to hang on as unwise.. weak.. 
by all means let them- for they don't walk in my shoes. I hang on because I hang on with God's words. The pursue of hunting happiness will be useless when we seek happiness by committing things that would defy Him, the All Mighty. 

I believe that when we are destined to be entangled with a situation .. it is for our own good. We should not let whatever happened to us change our perceptions about God or even defying His words- what more change the person we are meant to be- His good servant. No matter how heavy the burden placed over our hearts..our shoulders.. just remember they are only God's instrument to change us for better not worst.
Dear heart.. bend a little.. be good to me..o dear heart.... 

Act patience; your patience comes only from God. Do not feel saddened because of them nor be in any anguish over how they plot. God stands alongside those who fulfill their duty and who act kindly.

Surah An-Nahl (16:127-128)

... the one is the best ..

... most of us may think that the best person for us is the person who never fails to make us happy.., always be there to offer the most comfortable hugs when we need one... The one who would never hurt you.. the one who are heaven sent.. :)

... thinking back.. almost whole of my life i've been having such thoughts designing my perception towards what my married life should be.. come to think of it- how naive.. Some may disagree with me- yes.. of course- everyone deserved to be loved..sincerely and wholeheartedly. Still- without we realizing it- by putting such standards we have placed ourselves on a verge of getting hurt.

.. I belief that marriage is match made in heaven. It is HE who assigns certain individual for us and because of that..i belief the designated individual is the best person for us. It took me sometime to realize this. I was hurt..heart broken..still..as tears frequently blinded my eyes..i found my way closer to God... and with such lonely path a first- i learnt the reasons God has assigned someone special for us to walk the path of life with- well... I learnt that loving someone should not be overshadowed by expectation for that someone is only His being.. God holds his heart..in fact everyone's heart.

Life is all about changes.. Nothing is guaranteed. A love pledge made today carries no guarantee of its validity tomorrow. A change of hearts happens with His permission. Hence.., love thy spouse with no expectation. I learnt through out the years that it is only He..the All Mighty that owns our hopes..expectation- for He never turn His back on His promises. "Your Lord has said, 'Call upon Me and I will answer you..." (al-mukmin: 60). Things may not change in time as we expected..but.. at least in waiting..we strengthened our faith to Him bit by bit..and that's all that matters...and because of this- the person who causes our heartache..who broke our heart is the very best person designed for us for because of him/her..we found our strength..and we had strengthened our faith to God. Hence- he/her has made us a better person..a better humble being of HIS.

Whenever i think of this.. I am grateful..and each time when asked if i could turn back time..i would never hesitate to say that- i would never change a thing.. not a single thing.. not even the very day my heart was broken into pieces.. I belief- my heart was made to be broken so that i learnt to love appropriately.. to love 'correctly'..to love someone not by defining what i understand about love but to love someone according to how it is supposed to be loved for he is heaven sent..specially assigned for me to love with no expectation..

...and that's reality- designed to have such an overpowering taste of bitterness where the sweetness could only be tasted when we are strong enough to search for it in every bitterness that we swallowed. The one..is still the best not for being a great lover nor a responsible and caring spouse but also for being selected by God as someone who blinded us with tears..drench us in sorrow that lead us to discovery of our own strength..our own worth..our ownselves at our very best.. All praise to God for His unlimited love onto His beings. May we be led to the path filled with His blessings..ameennn..

love.. in the name of God

Have you been in a situation when you have to be parted with your love ones? The state of not being together... what more- when you are married and distance becomes the barrier of your completeness in life.. The idea of living together soon would only sadden you..

Heart aches.. the longing.. yearning for moments together is no longer a stranger to you.. especially when it comes to the day that you normally spend together. I remember how  - i couldn't get my feet out from my door. I fear the sight that i would see... families spending time together.. lovers holding hands walking aimlessly.. Looking at these people hurt me.. I normally end up going back with a heavy heart- what more when the person i missed so much was not there to share my feelings for the moment.. what more the person whom i rely in comforting me..sharing my feelings- my other half -was not there for me to lean on..

Things will begin to get worst when the trust that you have begin to shaken.. friends especially would remind you of the bitter truth about distance love and thoughts of it might happen to you would start to creep in slowly.. weakening your strength bit by bit.. Its kinda of disheartening..right?

I used to fill my days with sadness.. asking myself over and over again.. how can i bear this? How can i comfort myself when all the strength that i had to begin with- now seemed so weak.. It takes awhile.... a very long 'while' for me to realize that - the more i focus on things that is beyond my capability to control- the more frustrated and devastated i would become. It is beyond my capabilities to stop things from happening- so- why make things difficult and complicated?? The solution is - leave it to God. When God allow distance between two people.. it means - the call for reflection.. It is the LOVE you have that is put into the test.. what kind of love do you have for that special someone.. If you love him/her truly because of God.. that.. by all means- just throw every bit of worries..suspicions aside. The distance is created for a reason.

The distance itself actually is a blessing in disguise. Sometimes- when we love that someone special so much.. we tend to put our love for them first ... forgetting that the ONE that deserved our undying devoted love is His Almighty. I believe that is why distance between lovers..spouses are there to begin with.. Instead of losing sleep - yearning..worries for the uncertainties..the distance is a call for your moment with God. Such a feelings are there to begin with so that we got up and cry our hearts out to God.. The distance is there because God wanted us to reflect how ever-willing are we in being His humble being..  for when we truly .. sincerely love HIM.. we will begin to understand that.. loving someone starts with acknowledging God's gift for us.. i realized that  loving someone goes beyond loving him/her alone.. it requires a feeling.. of... 'i love you..not only because you are you .. i love you because i love you in the name of God' -- what does it mean??? This simply means.. it is because of God.. 'i love you'.. It is because you are a gift from God.. you are that special someone that God has assigned me to.. and with this i shall keep the trust.

Likewise..when a person loves you because of God.. come whatever may.. his/her love for you will stay safe as long as God permits-  for he/she will always be reminded that you are a special gift from God which requires them to be truthfull, faithfull and responsible of the responsibility that God has bestowed upon them to take care of you- whom God has assigned them to.

Having said that.. when love is tested.. just remember the distance and the person are only the test instruments.. verily.. :

"..WE have made some of you as trial for others:

will you have patience?

For Allah is One who sees all things"

- Al Furqan: 20 - 



time and acceptance

Things today has got me thinking.. particularly about dealing with difficulties in life. Be it dealing with someone who hurt you.. or with things that made you feel the world seemed so cold and lonely.

It 's kinda funny though.. come to think of it.. when somethings that we love so much happened.. things that we wish came true.. that moment seemed to move so swiftly that we wish we could freeze the time over and over again. We wish that everything would remain the same- the people we love, the things that we grow to be fond of would be just the way they are.. but- of course, life will never be that way. It is itself is a manifestation of changes.



The person who used to paint our world a palette of rainbow may be the very person who tainted our world in darkness.Things that made our life complete may no longer be the one that made us as a whole. This can be disheartening if we allow it to be and not only that -  time would seemed crawling..bit by bit and nothing seemed to change back like what it used to be -what more moving towards to the land called 'better'.

I believe that when such a change manifest itself in our life.., the sooner we accept the fact- the reality of change, the sooner we would be able to move on.

Owhh yes.. the questions will arise.. things like- why does he has to change.. why dont things get back the way they used to be.. and these questions will keep on lingering in our own thoughts that bit by bit.. we will soon succumb to feelings of hopelessness, depressed. The thoughts of happiness were being snatched away from our very own possession weakened every aspects of our very own strength. In the end- we lost ourselves in seeking for answers - in decifering things that is no longer the same.

Time - yes! The answer lies in time. It is not in person who has changed. It is not in the things that are lost - because - they are merely tools that God used in order to improve ourselves as His beings. The sooner we accept the reality of change, the sooner we will be able to deal with it and move on. We were not created by God to ponder on things that are lost - instead -  learn what is needed to be learnt.. to improve ourselves what is required as His better beings. If our heart were broken into pieces- never question why. Instead- look within ourselves. I believe we will soon find the answers are right there- in ourselves.

Dealing with endless heartache - is simply blinding. I was searching for answers elsewhere whereas the answers were right in me. I discover that today- I learn that I am still attached to my own 'euthopia'. I learn that I have to let go of things- The past is not for me to hold on to for they are just memories for me to look back and smile..yes- for me to smile and say, thank you God for letting me know what is like to be loved .. and most of all- the most valueable answer that i have within myself is- strength.. God wanted me to be strong. He wanted me to strengthen my faith. He wanted me to improve myself as His humble being- new and improved!

It doesnt matter if things were not the same anymore- just let it be. If it is meant to be changed- a love to be lost.. accept it with faith. Just remember- God, the creator of heaven, earth and everything that is between them. Things are taken away are taken for good..for God never let His beings live emptyhanded unless He replaces them with something better. The key is faith, patience and perseverance for "..which is left you by Allah is best for you, if you (but) believed" (Hud: 86).