when all u have left is waiting ..

 It may seemed that life is full of choices.. but sometimes.. the only choice that we have is to wait. It can be chalenging as everyone has their own limit of waiting.

People would say that you have a choice to be with anyone.. however, sometimes it is not a choice. It is more of an assignment given by God to you. No doubt - its kind of hard to go through..especially when you are in abusive relationship be it physically or psychologically. No matter how hard you tried to make things better.. things doesn't seem to work out. It may leave you drenched in emotion .. drawn out and tired from all your hard work but then.. in the end, you just have to sit and wait. It is not a sign of lost hope nor succumb to the situation but more of faith.

 

Many a time i feel this way. More of like doing time in prison. Things may seemed unfair -  there were times when my days and nights wasted thinking how could the person i have dedicated my heart and soul be so cruel and selfish -  not only did his actions bring despair and pain in my life, but also imprison me in depression for years .. Frustrations and dissappointment would paint my sky with grey and black most of the time. Till to a certain point that i could no longer do anything but just to bow to what is happening - sadly accepting the fact that i wasn't meant to be loved sincerely.

Then... I realized - This is not a sentence..life imprisonment. I was assigned to such a person for God knows my strength.. He acknowledges my strength.. I should not belittle God's gift to me - the strength. I know i have to belief in myself. This is an assignment .. an assignment that requires me to embelish my strength with patience and faith. I should embrace every moment because every second spent with the individual assigned will be the moment of strengthening my faith.

Bit by bit i begin to understand... the people that bring rain and thunderstorms in our life is there for us for more than a purpose. These are the people we should be grateful for God assigned us to them. At first it may not make sense .. then i realized that this is God's way of telling me.. reminding me that:

            i ) Never should i cause great pain to others for whatever goes around comes around

           ii ) I should be grateful for i was created by God not having such attitude or bad effect in the   life of others

           iii) The time has come for me to acknowledge my strength.. another pathway for me to venture and learn about myself

           iv) My faith.. my iman needs some strengthening .. time for some 'refurbishment'

Having had thought all the possiblilities.. I have realized that it's time for me to stop and inhale.. It may seemed that i ran out of strength for me to put up with the person.. but i just have to have faith on God's plan..  when all i have left is to wait after a long and tiring walk, i should make the wait worthwhile.. the wait should be a soul-enriching moment. Just like waiting for the rain to subside after a long run in the rain. I should belief in myself that i have the strength to go on walking. I should belief that after the wait, I would have better and clearer perception on things. I just have to wait for awhile.. wait for the rain to stop because the rain will soon stop and i will always have the strength.. feeling much more better and stronger to walk ahead...enjoying the aftermath.

 "Oh you who believe! Persevere in patience and constancy. Vie in such perseverance, strengthen each other, and be pious, that you may prosper." (Ali Imran : 200)

  

Deals in life and sequence

Deals in life are not always as often according to our preferred sequence.. as what Dato Sri Nazri has mentioned in his blog: Deals just don't come in your preferred sequence and you just have to move or forever hold your peace as it were..


I am sure that everyone of us would feel that when things happened accordingly to your plan then, your life at that particular day is perfect.. You begin to praise GOD for things that are happening to your liking. But then when the sequence is not according to your preferences you begin to feel down.. gloomy.. then you begin to label your day for that moment as sad, miserable....



Like others.. i would always have to fight my emotions.. i would be angry at myself for putting up hopes so high up that when deals in life do not appear in my preferred sequence i begin to crumble..
I spent the whole day today fighting over my feelings about the deals in my life that do not happen according to my preferred sequence.. i was angry at myself because i should not put - on the first place- any hope.. for the only hope i should put is NOT on the deals according to my preferred sequence but to GOD!!! Everything is in GOD's hand.

It was only towards the day's end... it all begin to fill my thoughts. All praise to GOD.. I was reminded that  I need to go back to the basics- deliver my self to GOD. Though i thought that i need the deals in my life to be in my preferred sequence, but then again... i need to remind myself.. it is not in GOD's willing to allow such sequence for that particular moment. Though it is hard for me to swallow... it is bitter.. but i have grit my teeth and move on or hold my peace... for whatever happens is according to GOD's plan - it's the sequence that GOD plan for me for this particular moment. I have to accept that it is sequence meant for me. Things happened according to GOD's plan for me. I have to bear.. there's no need to ask why it happened.. just request and pray that GOD will show u why it happen so that u would be a better person tomorrow.. Whatever it is... GOD listens.. It is we that have to be patient and aware that the world is not ours to rule according to our preferred sequence - it belongs to GOD- the Almighty.. for God's greatness is far beyond human comprehension. Just deliver ourselves to God and have faith.. for God knows what is best and when is the best for deals to happen according to sequence that God has plan for us..

It is He who has sent down to you, [O Muhammad], the Book; in it are verses [that are] precise - they are the foundation of the Book - and others unspecific. As for those in whose hearts is deviation [from truth], they will follow that of it which is unspecific, seeking discord and seeking an interpretation [suitable to them]. And no one knows its [true] interpretation except Allah . But those firm in knowledge say, "We believe in it. All [of it] is from our Lord." And no one will be reminded except those of understanding.      (Ali Imran: 7)

Thank God... though it's raining in your heart..

It's raining in my heart again today.. i'm writing this down as a reminder to myself.. so that the rain in my heart would be something that would nourish me- just like what the rain does to the nature.

Have you ever feel that..
when it rains in your hearts.. the life that you lead seems to appear very cold and empty.
I began to feel that.. what is there left for me now..
At the moment.. walking a single step would seemed like a mile.. a crawl would only be the only way to pass through life that very day.. and it has become just the matter of surviving every moment that I have....

Urghhhhh - don't you just hate that!! How at that particular moment- you wish you have the strength to just stand and walk with your chin up high - embracing life as it should be..

but.. to think again..
I think- yes, we do need the rain in our hearts.. for- once, after the rain.. things will appear clearer and we are able to look at things into deeper meaning..into various angles and perspectives.

At times like this.. like it or not - we should push ourselves to the limit.. SEARCH...
search.. the reasons why we should be thankful ...
look beyond everything and start looking for things we should be grateful..
Even if we couldn't-  we have to!


If there's nothing of silver lining of whatsoever that we could see.. then- look away... look out for other things that make us smile and be grateful..
We SHOULD!
whatever is holding us to feel this way... whoever is making us feeling so gloomy and sad..
just push it away.. things that is out of our reach... out of our ability to change... we should just put aside..
and deliver ourselves to the Al-Mighty...

Be grateful in whatever way because it would be unfair..
It is unfair for us to feel sad about our life for God has given us a chance.. another day to make a difference, to embrace life..
It is unfair for us to feel there's nothing left for us.. when there's plentiful for us to look upon and be grateful..
.................... a reminder for me .............

Some may think that - yeah right! It is easier said than done.
It is not the matter of doing .. it is the matter of being fair to yourself. It is also the matter of being thankful to God.. no matter what -for God has bestowed us abundance! We just need to look beyond and be more observant. Just be grateful.
Every raindrop has its own beauty in every other way.. be it through the ray of sunlight after the rain or even in the rain itself.. Embrace it.. and be strong.. it is the process of nourishing our souls..the process of teaching ourselves to be grateful no matter what- for being thankful we would free ourselves from being greed and envy- and with only that we could embrace life meaningfully and we could understand that though it rains in our hearts.. life is still precious to just stay gloomy...

Dear heart.. be strong for me.. I want to be grateful.... always..

"And He gives you all that you ask for. But if you count the favours of Allah, never will you be able to number them. Verily, man is given up to injustice and ingratitude." ~ Ibrahim: 34 ~

Heaven sent..

"It's not me.. it's through me..'
these are the very words my friend had said..and i believe that - this is the very aspect that we should see where do we stand.. living our lives and at the same time deliver ourselves to the AL-MIGHTY...

Years ago.. i never had thought this.. I had made a lot of mistakes putting labels on people and things that would make me happy and feel complete about my life.. when things happened unexpectedly- caught me off guard and suddenly life wasn't that great anymore... mistakes over mistakes i began to commit until i could not  find any silver lining in every cloud i had passed through..

Then.. came along a long lost friend.. as if our path crossed as planned.. i begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.. i admire her courage, strength, ambition but most of all..  her sense of living is admirable... whenever i express my admiration- she would remind me- it is not her... it is through her.. God has created her and it is in god's plan for her to be all that she is so that she could help others. What she said has truly hit me. I never thought that way.

I took her words and i begin to notice how all these years i had missed out a lot- God listens.. It is me- who should change the way i view the world... if happiness i need- then happiness will it be- it is just that it will not come knocking on our door just like a package we had ordered online.. it is not through our definition of happiness but- GOD's... for.. God knows what actually, truly would make us happy for that particular moment.. it is heaven sent-

It is not the person or things that would make u happy- nope!
No more labeling- we have to stop right there..
Why:
-because by labeling - we have limit ourselves to be happy..
-because by labeling - we have victimized ourselves for not being thankful of what God has given us..
-because by labeling - we have put a barrier to cherish life..

Yup- we have to stop right there..
It is not the person or things.. but God grant your wish through them..
Look.. observe.. analyse.. what have we pray for.. what have we wish for..
if we wish for happiness.. it is through them.. we will receive happiness.. the person or the things are not the icon of happiness.. it is through them..
i use to think that when i am with someone whom for me make me happy.. then my life for that day is the perfect one.. ermmm- so naive ehhh...
i was so blind in searching, hoping and worst! expecting for that someone to make me happy that i didn't realized others who have crossed my path have actually paint my day with happiness.. in the end.. blinded with hopes and expectation placed upon the so-called-my icon of happiness... i was sucked back into the whirlpool of depression... urggghhhhhh... a moment of life wasted!!! totally wasted!!

Now.. no more.. what she had said to me that very day.. had opened my eyes..
my days are filled with little surprises.. heaven sent..
it's no longer the icon... but the happening...
not only that.. whatever comes by.. i try to look beyond.. it's heaven sent.. it must be good..
God listens.....
When i feel lonely.. and when i thought my nyte would be lonely for the one i need was not there.... God sent me friends.. and sometimes.. individuals i never expect to meet or even chat with.... God listens..
When i feel incomplete .. struggling to feel confident about myself.. God sent me capabilities to make me feel good about myself.. be it things like to-die-for pair of stilettos or even friends with simple compliments that would make you gloat.. the thing is.. God listens...
And all it was and still is... it is not them... it is through them...

"....when my servants question you about ME, tell them that I am very close to them. I answer the prayer of every suppliant when he calls ME; therefore they should respond to ME and put their trust in ME, so that they may be rightly guided..."

(al-baqarah: 186) 

Some Wishful Thinking...

I never thought that one day i would write this way....
I never thought that those wishful thinking would actually came true...
and.. that is why... BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU WISH FOR..
and.. I definitely sure i am not proud of what happened.. its just something that i feel that i need to highlight so that anyone.. who is in the same shoe as mine would understand and able to look into different perspectives..

I have battling with problems in my personal relationship for years.. it was not just a simple case where a third party is involved.. or maybe it was and it still is... It was heart-wrenching and everyday was a battle for me - struggling to get through the day without ever thinking about my other half.. or so-called-soulmate.. It was untill one day - out of the blue.. some wishful thinking... 'WHAT IF'- happens!


All these years - i believe to fall for someone it would take time...
All these years - i thought that to allow someone into your heart would mean a series of effort of knowing each other first.. learning about each other.. get connected with that someone with the things that both would be sharing together....

Unfortunately.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA- i was wrong!!!! Really wrong!!!!!!!
I would blame on the lonely nytes i sailed without anyone to cuddle n bla bla bla... I would blame on the late nytes hanging out in FB lounge.. yesss... the blaming list would go on and on.....BUT the point is... it happened!

I was struck!!.. Dumbfounded, I began to feel the feelings that i have longed for.. I kept on arguing with myself  with this ILLOGIC happening.. then- it hit me.... God LISTENS!!

I began to understand how my other half was struggling when he was luvstruck.. It must be so difficult for him to fight his feelings.. yearning for somebody when at the same time he was with me.. I began to understand... NOBODY who is married in their right mind would wish 'TODAY I WOULD GO OUT THERE AND FALL IN LOVE..'

When it deals with feelings.. it is not easy to just simply throw away... They are not small stones that u collect on the beach and throw them to the sea..

I would consider myself lucky for i have found answers to many of my questions all these years about my man's affair... Although things are still the same.. i am still bound with the same old problem.. with now extra luggage of 'pain' .. and it is a bitter lesson to learn.. but at least i understand and therefore.. i began to let go every bit of resentment of being so-called-cheated.. every bit of frustrations of being put aside- ignored-loveless.. and just forgive him... After all... who are we to deny - what has happened - happens with GOD's will... it is up to us to think, decide and act upon it.. I would say that what ever it is - it is GOOD.. God gives us good things... it is US to make it great for us... all it takes is just think for a moment.. and of course deliver ourselves to GOD..

"....then, after this grief, HE bestowed peace on some of you - a slumber which overcame them - while the others were stirred to anxiety by their own fancies, holding unjust and wrong suspicions about Allah, the suspicions of ignorance. Now they ask: 'Have we any say in the matter?" Tell them:"All matters are in the hands of Allah." They hide in their minds what they dare not reveal to you. They mean to say: "If we had any say in the matter, none of us would have been killed here." Say to them:"Even if you had remained in your homes, those of you who were destined to be killed would nevertheless have been killed; but it was Allah's will to test your faith and purge what was in your hearts. Allah has knowledge of the secrets of your hearts."...

                                                                               (Al-Imran: 154)

When things happen unexpectedly..

When things happens unexpectedly, it's just like the unexpected guest knocking on your door..
 They never fail to catch us of guard and we soon find ourselves in a turmoil of feelings.. some managed to put it aside and view it from different perspectives… some.. unfortunately, found themselves helplessly drown in one hundred and one whirlpool of emotions… 
As for me.. it depends- if the situation pulls me into a deep deep grievances.. .. I guess giving myself a good, good, very good cry would help me to ease .. it may take days of on and of crying… asking questions foolishly of the 'WHYs, HOWs, WHATs..'- Why me.. How can this thing happened... What did i do to deserve this...
The list of questions will go on and on.. until the reality sank it- IT's THERE- I have to face it.

Just like having a bad fall at the first time.. the hurt was so painful that you can’t help yourself but to cry, wouldn’t even dare to look at the wound – what more to think of a way to nurse the wound appropriately. Having someone close to you yet not involved in the situation would definitely a bliss.. as they are the ones who would nurse the wound as to what they think would help at that particular period of time… Still, nothing would really help but you- yourself..


Things are meant to be when they are meant to be.. That’s what makes life meaningful to live.. Our life is still a bed of roses.. STILL.. We have to remember.. roses come with thorns.. Before we can even see the rose buds.. we have to bare the view of a thorny plant.. If left untreated, the rose plant would only be a thorny plant.. couldn’t even bear a single bud for us to feast our eyes upon.. 

Just like planting a rose plant, patience is fully required.. Not only that, we seek advise from those who planted roses… those who are seen as expert or experienced.. But then.. the real deal is in our EFFORT and our PERSEVERANCE. Though at times we may prick our finger while tending the plants.. it is because of faith, we keep on putting on the stuffs. The more we tend the plant.. the more we notice small things, tiny development of the plant.. Good neighbours and friends may give us good materials- anything that would help us to have a beautiful rose plant.. but then, if we do not get up and start doing things ourselves… the fertilizers would go wasted.. the roses would be only in our dreams..

Patience, perseverance.. and faith..

At the end of the day.. having faith to your believes.. the ONE .. would always provide you a blanket of comfort.. It is your faith in God that would keep you going on.. though at time you feel that your effort is wasted, enough of patience and perseverance bared… Your faith in God.. would help you to stand and face the music.. things happen for a reason.. It is just unexplainable at that period of time.

As time would heal.. Patience, perseverance .. and faith would finally let you feast the first moment your plant bears the rose. You will soon see that things that happen unexpectedly.. happen because God knows what is best for you.. making your life meaningful as it was meant to be.

" On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray:) 'Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You  are our Protector; help us against those who stand against Faith'" (Al-Baqarah- 286)

is the cup half full or half empty...

The expression of 'is the cup half empty or half full ' reflects the need to look at matters in different perspectives. Though it is commonly used to indicate that a particular situation could be a cause of looking at things positively or negatively as well as used as a tool to simply evaluate the individual's personality (optimist vs pessimist) - STILL labelling does not serve any significant effect on evaluating matters and facing certain facts that we dealt with in life.

Our perception on things.. matters.. events.. people.., is unique as our interpretation of the reality realies heavily on our experience. What we experienced builds up the perception and therefore we look at things as 'half-emptied cup or half-filled cup'.

Challenges in life should be attended with various perspectives. It is not the matter of your 'cup' is half empty or half full' , is the matter of taking it in and embrace it- No matter how difficult it is. We have to look at a bigger picture. Ask- WHY should you ever look at the cup? Look at the whole tea set! The cup may be filled or emptied... but still you have a tea set- your life!  You are still breathing and therefore you are given the chance to fill NOT only the tea cup BUT every cup..

SO.. when questions arise, statements argued... half full or half empty... take it as a mission, a request that YOU need to make the best out of the tea set... The tea set is there... use it wise.. use it to the fullest... it is not there for us to weep and complaint or even GLOAT.. it is half full or half empty.. CHOICE has been made. TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEA SET!

"So eat of the sustenance which ALLAH has provided for you, lawful and good; 

and be grateful for the favours of ALLAH, if it is HE Whom you serve" 

(Al-Nahl : 114) 

M.O.T.H.E.R.

To nourish children and raise them against odds is in any time, any place, 

more valuable than to fix bolts in cars or design nuclear weapons.

- Marilyn French-

I admire and will always admire individuals whom without any assistance raise their kids. They are the epitome of true survivors. They may lead their lives alone without love and care from an individual called spouse but they manned up and face the world. They push their needs aside and focus. The fruit of their undivided love for their kids- i'm sure it's beyond any value exist in the world!

A mother is a survivor whose sacrifice and care is an icon of pure undivided love - the kind of love that you will never ever have from anyone. Experiencing this kind of love varies. Some may experience it throughout their lives without ever questioning their mother's love... some may need to look beyond what meets the eye. No matter how we experience love from our mother... this individual is our mother. The person who will always have you in her heart no matter what. The person whose love transcends time.

A mother is a survivor who always put aside her needs to accomodate the need of her kids. No matter how, no matter what, deep in her heart there will always be a vow to make her children happy.. there will always be a vow to make her children's need is fulfilled.. Her way of showing her love may be vague... Her way of showing her concern may differ from what we have in our mind.. but- look... observe.. we would surely find her love hiding behind those wrinkles.. those nagging.. those stern faces..

Hence- she is a true survivor for all she cares is everyone's need accept hers and for how well she hides the need to fulfill her needs..

Having said.... Mothers are survivors that all of us should look up to, giving our undivided love and care no matter where.. no matter what.. Happy Mother's Day. 

"Heaven liveth at the feet of mothers"

- Prophet Muhammad -

of.. grievances

"Human mind is highly intelligent. Yet its very intelligence is tainted by madness. Madness as such that this dysfunction of the human mind has the destructive impact." (Eckhart Tolle)


Feelings.... especially resentment.. are often magnified by our innerselves. When things didn't go our 'way'... we start to complain.. blaming.. Still.. given time.. we can see that the 'fault' that we perceive in others actually isn't even there. It is a total misinterpretation of the reality at hand- a projection by the mind conditioned to see the 'enemy', to pacify our inner cry to put us in the right light.. to be more superior. In other words, these are the cry of.. "i'm right, you are wrong" or "after all that i've done, this is what i get".


So what then..
Do we really need to put aside these feelings? How do we 'delete' such feelings that begin to creep slowly into our hearts? First- YES. We need to put aside. By putting aside these feelings of resentment, we allow ourselves to improve spritually. We need that. Nothing is gained if we keep on nurturing such feelings. Move on. Yes- the key is to love thyself. Grievances is just an event that happened in the past and- therefore should be kept in the past. By nurturing the grievances, feelings of resentment we are keeping the past alive. This will contaminate other areas in our lives. With that.. we put ourselves vulnerable for self destruction.

How do we 'delete' these feelings.. FORGIVE.. we can only let go grievances when forgiveness happens. To let go, to forgive is when we see that it has no purpose other than to strengthen a false sense of self.  Be honest to thyself. The past has no power to stop us in being in the PRESENT. So stop harbouring grievances- let go. Let go and live in the reality with better perspectives. Things happens for a reason.. it is with a clear mind we can look the real present- the now.. not the present that we have misinterpreted while harbouring the feelings of grievances..


"Kind words and the covering of faults are better than charity followed by injury. Allah is free of all wants, and HE is Most-Forebearing" (Al-Baqarah: 263)

happiness as i see it....

Happiness does not lie upon whom you r with or what do you have..
It lies upon how positive you r about yr life and how comfortable you r about being you.. 

Some of us think that when we are not with someone or.. we do not have certain things… then our life is miserable…

Especially when we lost someone… the world seemed very cruel… biting you in every way that you could not stand up and hold your head up.

 

The very thing is… your world.. your life is still a bed of roses… Though is hard to look at it that way, you just have to shake it off. The world is not cruel to you. The fact is- when you feel depressed and when you, yourself label your world as being cruel to you, you are actually being cruel to yourself.

By labeling your world as cruel, you are not giving yourself a chance to appreciate life. God has given you a life.. a life that is truly short for you to weep about things that you have lost. Observe… look what you have… not at what you lost..God is great.. You may think that you have lost something valueable in your life- the lost is so significant for you that you have to grieve upon it and therefore label your life as miserable. 

Chin up.. Look again.. God never take anything from you! Things you may think are taken away from you are actually taken for good. 

God created you- God is the only ONE who knows whats best for you. 
Things taken away are meant to be taken away…

So.. put on yr best positive glassess n view yr world… Be grateful.. God has given abundance of everything good…Never allow discontenment blinded you with the sustenance- which are abundance given to you. WE SHOULD TURN TO ALLAH INSTEAD OF RUNNING AFTER FALSE FANCIES.. 

 

“…O men! Call to mind the grace of Allah unto you! Is there a creator, other than Allah- to give you sustenance from heaven or earth? There is no god but HE: how then you are deluded away from the Truth..” (Al Faathir:3)