of being optimistic and human

How can you stay optimistic and at the same time being human.. ? Some of my entries might arise some doubts especially in handling life events optimistically. I have to admit- most of the time.. my ability to look at things positively is absent! owh.. i do lock myself out .. isolate myself from the outside world. There are times when i feel so alone.. and.. it seemed that people tend to look down on me due to the fact that i am too weak to overcome certain things in life while some even view my presence would do them more harm than good ("owh no,she brings bad vibes- i have no time for these things" kinda thing..) well... that's what i think..

Their silence most of the time do send me back to the grave of depression and when they seemed to ignore my cry for help..their actions rob my last coin of hope to face my life with positivism. But then... i have to remind myself... NOBODY.. not even one single soul is designed to do this- to be d perfect one whom u can rely and said - that's the one i can rely on.. Hey! Even your own shadow leaves u! Wake up! Hoo.. yeah right.. like those were the time i can really wake up! Like those were the time i can really console myself..

Being alone- with no one to share what you shouldered all these years carrying the bag of grief is not a favorable situation that anyone would want. What more life nowadays - it is so much on the fast track - that some of us could not afford a single second for a soul that needed our help- sometimes it just cant be done. and.. with that.. i did try to tell myself- i should not be even more depressed with the silence. Friends.. families.. everyone- are not designed to be the one who is always there for you to face each heart wrenching moments.. to bare the cold in the grave of depression.

but then again.. i have to bow to the fact that.. i have feelings and these feelings just couldn't just go away. Sometimes - you just feel really tired of fighting that you just dropped on your knees and succumb to the feelings. . . . And whether we like it or not.. that is a part of being HUMAN - designed in such a way that we are full of feelings, enriched with levels of perceptions and spoiled  by tons of expectations.

Sadly, not many of us are able to accept this part of being human. Most of us would deny the fact that sometimes we need to endure this part of being human - the part where we become weak and where it seemed like there's nothing we can do except to be on our knees.. weeping at our own defeat! What makes it more sad is that.. we failed to realized that.. with this part of being human, we become a little bit more dependent on Allah. Alone but not alone.. and having this part of being human is a gift.. a reminder.. a detour to the route- the only route that leads to HIM.. and with this- it is suffice to be optimistic about life.. about being human- all weak and dependent.. this what makes this breathing beautiful! Alhamdulillah...

Our Lord, and make us Muslims [in submission] to You and from our descendants a Muslim nation [in submission] to You. And show us our rites and accept our repentance. Indeed, You are the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.

(Al Baqarah : 128)

love and rizq

to love and to be loved in return. 

Love is often perceived as an entity of ownership - so much so that when we fall out of love we hold frustrations or even grudges to the person whom we expect to sustain their shower of love onto us. 

I was one till a fated talk between two friends woke me up. 

....

It was raining heavily and i was driving. Just like the dark skies, my heart sank as i drove passed the hills. I need to clear my perspectives on things.. then she called. We talked.. exchanged updates and as the heavy raindrops flows onto my windscreen.. my feelings spilled out- of frustrations to be the one being ignored.. of self-loathe for being too weak to fight.. too weak to be on my own..

"Love is not an entity of ownership. It's not ours to give nor to hold. 

It is an entity of rizq of which only God decides who owns it"

Her very words describing love - an entity of rizq kept me quiet for a long time. All these while i've placed myself in a jar filled with discontentment.. frustrations and grudges towards that someone whom i thought could love me the way i wanted him to. How i have wronged myself! How could i questioned my rights of having his love when.. his love itself is - the rizq.

How we human so often than not tainted our thoughts with expectations especially when it comes to love. We accommodate ourselves with expectations and hopes that tend to surpass the reality - God holds the heart. It is not how much love we should have.. but it is more of how much love we are destined to hold n that's the RIZQ. When we accept love as an entity of RIZQ.. then- be it love lost or shared, ignored or cherished we will be at peace not only with the person but most importantly with ourselves.

Allah gives provision to whom He wills without account

(Al -Baqarah: 212)

   

Off Deprivation, Challenge and Realization

Deprived.

A state of suffering from some form of lacking.

The suffering that an individual went through that could be cured only by receiving what is being deprived of. But then - sometimes what is being deprived of  or what we perceive as being deprived of may not be actually the exact thing that we should seek upon.

As human - we can't escape from the fact that we would be tested in many ways. We often seek for things that would take us away from being deprived. The more we seek and failed .. the more at times we feel sad and inadequate. What more when the things we needed the most - being deprived of it seemed to be impossible to get away from it.

But then... if we look deeper into things.. we could actually see that the state of being deprived is only a form of 'vehicle' to transport us out of our old selves. Yup! Deprivation, as i see it- is merely a vehicle to move us- from the state of being in need of something to someone new and developed.


Without deprivation of certain things we could never have the drive to change. It is human nature to need the struggle in order to change.. and move forward. I realized that as i take a step back from the state of being deprived of... being deprived of my rights.. my needs. The phase of deprivation itself is a process of changing me.

A change. Maybe that is what i really need. A change from someone who relies on love and affection to a more independent individual. Sometimes, the things that we thought would complete us as a person maybe the very thing that would strike our downfall. I realized that if i were drenched in love and affection from the person whom i thought should have provided me -   i would be a person who may not be as grateful as i am right now for being me.. I guess if i were showered with too much love and affection - i will not be dependent on God the way it is supposed to be.. I would depend only on His beings instead of HIM- the All Mighty.. the Ruler of Heaven and Earth and between.

Challenge.
Being deprived of things is a challenge. A challenge for us to change. Instead of being depressed for not having our needs fulfilled, we should take it as a challenge that we need to overcome. Of course we need to strive our best to have what we need at first, but when things don't work out the way we expected it to be- we should move forward. I guess it always helps to train ourselves to have good thoughts. What more with what is destined to be. God created us. He knows what is the best for us. Going through the state of deprivation is just a mode of transition to become the new us - the individuals that is designed by Him to be.

Realization.
The key to face the state of deprivation is realization. Realization of its challenge and its mode of transition. Once it is being realized, I believe that this depressing and confusing state could be sailed across the ocean of needs. I am sure that once we have crossed this line of deprivation, we could see that we are placed in such a 'needy' state for a reason and definitely it is for us to change to a better us.

... But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.

(Al Baqarah : 216)

Hold on to His words

Words... when words are uttered, they spread the plague. The plague of expectations. I didn't realized this till the day i finally come face to face with a lost. The lost of the credibility of the words i used to hang on to... The lost of validity of promises .. The lost of hope.

The world for me before- was filled with dependencies. Dependent on words upon words uttered. Dependent on the being - of always being there for me... Dependent of support.. protection.. comfort..  name it- it's everything! Owh well - Tell me - who doesn't? Particularly with the one whom we placed our heart to.

....and that's where I go wrong - being too dependent..holding on to words when they finally become JUST words being uttered. 
A nightmare - I was awaken by a horrible one tonight. So horrible that i woke up feeling so frightened and helpless. Just this one nightmare- i got up and in the midst of calming myself down.. i realized...
If years ago- i guess being haunted by nightmares will never be a problem for i know there's always that someone that i could rely on 'protecting' me.. calming me.. comforting me. 
If years ago- having to worry on some things would not be a burden for me for i know i have someone to share my worries with.. there- immediately..
If years ago.... yes! If years ago...

No one wants to be alone- particularly when the peace of mind is being shattered. 
However - when we place too much dependencies on others instead of the Rightful One - we ourselves have jeopardised our own peace state of mind. I come to realized this with this nightmare tonight which- has left me feeling grateful. I am grateful that - with His mercy.. and love I realized that because of this lost.. i have come to depend on HIM.. His words... His words are the only words I depended on now. It is only His words that is true. Only His words can heal.. calm or even protect me. 
I should have recited his words to protect me. I should have remembered His words of reminder to calm me... I should have hold on only to HIS words. NOT to words being uttered - YEARS AGO.

Words are just words being uttered. It is with His permission that these words become valid. Stating to someone "I LOVE YOU" sounds like a promise that I'm giving my heart and soul to you.. that my ONLY love is for you.. that you are always the one that I LOVE. But that statement comes with a validity - whether the 3 powerful words are valid for a period of time or are they just words... or... they become a phrase that holds a lifetime validity. 

.... and ... this validity is only in the hands of GOD ....

so... when words being uttered.. matters to worry .. things to be frightened of .. dreams being shattered..  -  be patient, have faith.. just hold on tightly to His words.. for only His words are true. 

"So be patient, [O Muhammad]. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth. And ask forgiveness for your sin and exalt [ Allah ] with praise of your Lord in the evening and the morning. "

Ghafir: 55

It's a runaway of life

It has been awhile since my last entry.. been through a lot of things which for me..every of it is a seed of self-improvement no matter how hard it would be. Life is truly a stage.. and every lady should treat it as a runaway stage. No matter what happens- if you fall down while you strut in your 5" stillettos- you should get up and keep on walking with style..

.... and.. that's life ~ we stumbled with mistakes we made. Still.. we should keep on walking with head look forward and strut in style. No doubt it is difficult at times... Yup! Definitely difficult. Especially in dealing with mistakes that could have been avoided at the first place.

Mistakes are like falling on the runaway. Ho.. yes.. the incident will keep on repeating itself over and over again in our mind... keep on haunting and building fear over things. I was often being haunted.. by my mistakes. I thought that once i get over with mistakes that i've done, i would be wiser and smart enough NOT to commit the same mistakes again. BUT... still.. i was wrong.

People often say that mistakes done on the second time is not a mistake anymore..it is more of a choice. Hmmmm... well... sometimes it is not driven by choice but it is more of hope ~ hmm..so naive..or should i say stupidity-bounded?  The phase that i went through being haunted by my mistakes..done over and over again.. has got me thinking.. analyzing the 'why'... Self blaming at first..and getting nowhere near self recovery- i realized that the re-occurrence of mistakes that i've done was hope-driven. I thought that ..'may be this time round' it'll be different. Still- hurt and confused.. the mistakes that i've done hit me harder this time- just like a boomerang.

 .... so.. i've learnt and re-learnt: it is just like buying new pair of stilettos. All depends on the judgement- but then - when feelings over-ruled our thoughts... how could we possibly make the right one.. Owhh well - that's the bitter truth. Feelings. Wrong kind of stilettos- A fall .. a stumble on the runaway. All based on judgement.

Walking gracefully in style on the runaway of life takes experiences of handling mistakes.. though being haunted by mistakes.. fear of re-occurrences- the walk of life should be taken with courage. What's important is what is learnt, forgiving oneself and others, repentence and enough courage to strut forward. After all- God only bestow us with only one life.. a precious gift that should not be given away easily. Choose to walk it well - for me: let's do it in style... an appreciation to such precious gift...  ;)

Except those who repent and do righteous deeds, and openly declare (the truth which they concealed). These, I will accept their repentance. And I am the One Who accepts repentance, the Most Merciful. [Quran, 2:160]

Dear Heart... bend a little ..for me.

.. have you been in a situation where all you can think about at that particular time was... "Dear God.. I'm bearing this unbearable heartache because You..O Mighty.." ? what would you do the moment there seemed to be other option that is so invitingly good but then you stop yourself from making that choice because you know.. deep in your heart all that matters is not your desire to end your misery but for the love of God...?

Many a time I was in that kind of dilemma.. I was pressured to make choices that it may seemed right but the moment i detached myself from my feelings..forcing myself to think straight.. I put myself back into the hole of misery. 

My morning today began with tears... filled with heartache and pain. As hard as I tried, finally i just had to give in to my feelings.. questions upon questions kept rushing in..filling every part of my thoughts. Am I weak to succumb to this kind of heartache? Am I stupid to allow myself to be hurt over and over again not even wanting to free myself from this web of thorns engulfing my heart?  Who am I???? 

Then... 
I found a voice in me.. comforting as it is.. reminding me that God is watching.. God witnessed every heartache every tormenting moment I had with his other being... the being He had assigned me to. That very moment, I find comfort in that little voice ... "Dear God... I'm bearing this with all my patience for You.. for I know You are Most Loving Most Forgive-ful". In heartache.. every little piece of my broken heart... I was reminded for all the good things I had in my life.. even witnessed His love.. Should I be so ungrateful that I would behave selfishly.. doing things that would only defy Him..the All-Mighty??
If this little heart was meant to bear more and more heartache for now..or even forever.. then.. be it.. I know God is with me.. He has showed me the fruit of being patient. I should hang on.. I should hang on for His words are true..so ever true. 

Many may questioned or even labelled my decision to hang on as unwise.. weak.. 
by all means let them- for they don't walk in my shoes. I hang on because I hang on with God's words. The pursue of hunting happiness will be useless when we seek happiness by committing things that would defy Him, the All Mighty. 

I believe that when we are destined to be entangled with a situation .. it is for our own good. We should not let whatever happened to us change our perceptions about God or even defying His words- what more change the person we are meant to be- His good servant. No matter how heavy the burden placed over our hearts..our shoulders.. just remember they are only God's instrument to change us for better not worst.
Dear heart.. bend a little.. be good to me..o dear heart.... 

Act patience; your patience comes only from God. Do not feel saddened because of them nor be in any anguish over how they plot. God stands alongside those who fulfill their duty and who act kindly.

Surah An-Nahl (16:127-128)

... the one is the best ..

... most of us may think that the best person for us is the person who never fails to make us happy.., always be there to offer the most comfortable hugs when we need one... The one who would never hurt you.. the one who are heaven sent.. :)

... thinking back.. almost whole of my life i've been having such thoughts designing my perception towards what my married life should be.. come to think of it- how naive.. Some may disagree with me- yes.. of course- everyone deserved to be loved..sincerely and wholeheartedly. Still- without we realizing it- by putting such standards we have placed ourselves on a verge of getting hurt.

.. I belief that marriage is match made in heaven. It is HE who assigns certain individual for us and because of that..i belief the designated individual is the best person for us. It took me sometime to realize this. I was hurt..heart broken..still..as tears frequently blinded my eyes..i found my way closer to God... and with such lonely path a first- i learnt the reasons God has assigned someone special for us to walk the path of life with- well... I learnt that loving someone should not be overshadowed by expectation for that someone is only His being.. God holds his heart..in fact everyone's heart.

Life is all about changes.. Nothing is guaranteed. A love pledge made today carries no guarantee of its validity tomorrow. A change of hearts happens with His permission. Hence.., love thy spouse with no expectation. I learnt through out the years that it is only He..the All Mighty that owns our hopes..expectation- for He never turn His back on His promises. "Your Lord has said, 'Call upon Me and I will answer you..." (al-mukmin: 60). Things may not change in time as we expected..but.. at least in waiting..we strengthened our faith to Him bit by bit..and that's all that matters...and because of this- the person who causes our heartache..who broke our heart is the very best person designed for us for because of him/her..we found our strength..and we had strengthened our faith to God. Hence- he/her has made us a better person..a better humble being of HIS.

Whenever i think of this.. I am grateful..and each time when asked if i could turn back time..i would never hesitate to say that- i would never change a thing.. not a single thing.. not even the very day my heart was broken into pieces.. I belief- my heart was made to be broken so that i learnt to love appropriately.. to love 'correctly'..to love someone not by defining what i understand about love but to love someone according to how it is supposed to be loved for he is heaven sent..specially assigned for me to love with no expectation..

...and that's reality- designed to have such an overpowering taste of bitterness where the sweetness could only be tasted when we are strong enough to search for it in every bitterness that we swallowed. The one..is still the best not for being a great lover nor a responsible and caring spouse but also for being selected by God as someone who blinded us with tears..drench us in sorrow that lead us to discovery of our own strength..our own worth..our ownselves at our very best.. All praise to God for His unlimited love onto His beings. May we be led to the path filled with His blessings..ameennn..

love.. in the name of God

Have you been in a situation when you have to be parted with your love ones? The state of not being together... what more- when you are married and distance becomes the barrier of your completeness in life.. The idea of living together soon would only sadden you..

Heart aches.. the longing.. yearning for moments together is no longer a stranger to you.. especially when it comes to the day that you normally spend together. I remember how  - i couldn't get my feet out from my door. I fear the sight that i would see... families spending time together.. lovers holding hands walking aimlessly.. Looking at these people hurt me.. I normally end up going back with a heavy heart- what more when the person i missed so much was not there to share my feelings for the moment.. what more the person whom i rely in comforting me..sharing my feelings- my other half -was not there for me to lean on..

Things will begin to get worst when the trust that you have begin to shaken.. friends especially would remind you of the bitter truth about distance love and thoughts of it might happen to you would start to creep in slowly.. weakening your strength bit by bit.. Its kinda of disheartening..right?

I used to fill my days with sadness.. asking myself over and over again.. how can i bear this? How can i comfort myself when all the strength that i had to begin with- now seemed so weak.. It takes awhile.... a very long 'while' for me to realize that - the more i focus on things that is beyond my capability to control- the more frustrated and devastated i would become. It is beyond my capabilities to stop things from happening- so- why make things difficult and complicated?? The solution is - leave it to God. When God allow distance between two people.. it means - the call for reflection.. It is the LOVE you have that is put into the test.. what kind of love do you have for that special someone.. If you love him/her truly because of God.. that.. by all means- just throw every bit of worries..suspicions aside. The distance is created for a reason.

The distance itself actually is a blessing in disguise. Sometimes- when we love that someone special so much.. we tend to put our love for them first ... forgetting that the ONE that deserved our undying devoted love is His Almighty. I believe that is why distance between lovers..spouses are there to begin with.. Instead of losing sleep - yearning..worries for the uncertainties..the distance is a call for your moment with God. Such a feelings are there to begin with so that we got up and cry our hearts out to God.. The distance is there because God wanted us to reflect how ever-willing are we in being His humble being..  for when we truly .. sincerely love HIM.. we will begin to understand that.. loving someone starts with acknowledging God's gift for us.. i realized that  loving someone goes beyond loving him/her alone.. it requires a feeling.. of... 'i love you..not only because you are you .. i love you because i love you in the name of God' -- what does it mean??? This simply means.. it is because of God.. 'i love you'.. It is because you are a gift from God.. you are that special someone that God has assigned me to.. and with this i shall keep the trust.

Likewise..when a person loves you because of God.. come whatever may.. his/her love for you will stay safe as long as God permits-  for he/she will always be reminded that you are a special gift from God which requires them to be truthfull, faithfull and responsible of the responsibility that God has bestowed upon them to take care of you- whom God has assigned them to.

Having said that.. when love is tested.. just remember the distance and the person are only the test instruments.. verily.. :

"..WE have made some of you as trial for others:

will you have patience?

For Allah is One who sees all things"

- Al Furqan: 20 - 



time and acceptance

Things today has got me thinking.. particularly about dealing with difficulties in life. Be it dealing with someone who hurt you.. or with things that made you feel the world seemed so cold and lonely.

It 's kinda funny though.. come to think of it.. when somethings that we love so much happened.. things that we wish came true.. that moment seemed to move so swiftly that we wish we could freeze the time over and over again. We wish that everything would remain the same- the people we love, the things that we grow to be fond of would be just the way they are.. but- of course, life will never be that way. It is itself is a manifestation of changes.



The person who used to paint our world a palette of rainbow may be the very person who tainted our world in darkness.Things that made our life complete may no longer be the one that made us as a whole. This can be disheartening if we allow it to be and not only that -  time would seemed crawling..bit by bit and nothing seemed to change back like what it used to be -what more moving towards to the land called 'better'.

I believe that when such a change manifest itself in our life.., the sooner we accept the fact- the reality of change, the sooner we would be able to move on.

Owhh yes.. the questions will arise.. things like- why does he has to change.. why dont things get back the way they used to be.. and these questions will keep on lingering in our own thoughts that bit by bit.. we will soon succumb to feelings of hopelessness, depressed. The thoughts of happiness were being snatched away from our very own possession weakened every aspects of our very own strength. In the end- we lost ourselves in seeking for answers - in decifering things that is no longer the same.

Time - yes! The answer lies in time. It is not in person who has changed. It is not in the things that are lost - because - they are merely tools that God used in order to improve ourselves as His beings. The sooner we accept the reality of change, the sooner we will be able to deal with it and move on. We were not created by God to ponder on things that are lost - instead -  learn what is needed to be learnt.. to improve ourselves what is required as His better beings. If our heart were broken into pieces- never question why. Instead- look within ourselves. I believe we will soon find the answers are right there- in ourselves.

Dealing with endless heartache - is simply blinding. I was searching for answers elsewhere whereas the answers were right in me. I discover that today- I learn that I am still attached to my own 'euthopia'. I learn that I have to let go of things- The past is not for me to hold on to for they are just memories for me to look back and smile..yes- for me to smile and say, thank you God for letting me know what is like to be loved .. and most of all- the most valueable answer that i have within myself is- strength.. God wanted me to be strong. He wanted me to strengthen my faith. He wanted me to improve myself as His humble being- new and improved!

It doesnt matter if things were not the same anymore- just let it be. If it is meant to be changed- a love to be lost.. accept it with faith. Just remember- God, the creator of heaven, earth and everything that is between them. Things are taken away are taken for good..for God never let His beings live emptyhanded unless He replaces them with something better. The key is faith, patience and perseverance for "..which is left you by Allah is best for you, if you (but) believed" (Hud: 86).



When one door closes...



It's kinda cliche to hear.. when one door closes.. the other one opens. It is not the matter of a door closes and the other one opens. It is more of how we deal with the closed door.. How do we actually deal with closed doors? How do we actually manage when part of what is used to be- can never be any more? The most difficult part is how do we handle ourselves for more often than not - changes in life like this requires more than just letting go.

The more we focused on why.. how the door closed- the more blind we became in realising there more than just a door that open.

The more attached we are with the particular door- the more difficult we are of letting go.

Life can be ironic. Or- wait!! Life IS ironic.
It is painfully beautiful - just the way we were born. It was painful for mothers yet so beautiful the very first sight of their crying infant. When a door closed- no doubt it will be painful especially for the heart and mind to accept the fact that it has gone. Things that happened around me recently has made me realised the beauty of God's plans for each and every single of HIS slaves. Some seemed so blessed with a perfect life and some were not that lucky - we began to judge their life through our own viewpoint and expectations.
I guess if we keep on looking at others fortunate lifes- we will end up being miserable.Why? Because we soon realised there are more than just one miserable door of happiness that is closed for us! Why suffer for no reason?? The fact will remain the same unless we are determined to change. To have that kind of determination- i guess one should always think good.

To start with - we should start thinking positively.  What has happened - has happened for a good cause. Strengthen our faith in God - belief that God has allowed things to happen for He wants us to cherish life. I belief when a door closes- it closes because God never wants us to be too attached to only one reason to be happy for the beauty of His creation and His gifts to all His beings are abundance. So when one door closes.. lets closed our eyes and say.. 'Dear God.. I belief in You.. grant me a deeper understanding of Your plans on me.. Please strengthen my faith and my belief. Verily, my life and death is for You.. O Allah.. "

 " Never give up hope on Allah's soothing mercy :
truly no one despairs on Allah's soothing mercy,

except those no have no faith"
(Yusuf:87)

when all u have left is waiting ..

 It may seemed that life is full of choices.. but sometimes.. the only choice that we have is to wait. It can be chalenging as everyone has their own limit of waiting.

People would say that you have a choice to be with anyone.. however, sometimes it is not a choice. It is more of an assignment given by God to you. No doubt - its kind of hard to go through..especially when you are in abusive relationship be it physically or psychologically. No matter how hard you tried to make things better.. things doesn't seem to work out. It may leave you drenched in emotion .. drawn out and tired from all your hard work but then.. in the end, you just have to sit and wait. It is not a sign of lost hope nor succumb to the situation but more of faith.

 

Many a time i feel this way. More of like doing time in prison. Things may seemed unfair -  there were times when my days and nights wasted thinking how could the person i have dedicated my heart and soul be so cruel and selfish -  not only did his actions bring despair and pain in my life, but also imprison me in depression for years .. Frustrations and dissappointment would paint my sky with grey and black most of the time. Till to a certain point that i could no longer do anything but just to bow to what is happening - sadly accepting the fact that i wasn't meant to be loved sincerely.

Then... I realized - This is not a sentence..life imprisonment. I was assigned to such a person for God knows my strength.. He acknowledges my strength.. I should not belittle God's gift to me - the strength. I know i have to belief in myself. This is an assignment .. an assignment that requires me to embelish my strength with patience and faith. I should embrace every moment because every second spent with the individual assigned will be the moment of strengthening my faith.

Bit by bit i begin to understand... the people that bring rain and thunderstorms in our life is there for us for more than a purpose. These are the people we should be grateful for God assigned us to them. At first it may not make sense .. then i realized that this is God's way of telling me.. reminding me that:

            i ) Never should i cause great pain to others for whatever goes around comes around

           ii ) I should be grateful for i was created by God not having such attitude or bad effect in the   life of others

           iii) The time has come for me to acknowledge my strength.. another pathway for me to venture and learn about myself

           iv) My faith.. my iman needs some strengthening .. time for some 'refurbishment'

Having had thought all the possiblilities.. I have realized that it's time for me to stop and inhale.. It may seemed that i ran out of strength for me to put up with the person.. but i just have to have faith on God's plan..  when all i have left is to wait after a long and tiring walk, i should make the wait worthwhile.. the wait should be a soul-enriching moment. Just like waiting for the rain to subside after a long run in the rain. I should belief in myself that i have the strength to go on walking. I should belief that after the wait, I would have better and clearer perception on things. I just have to wait for awhile.. wait for the rain to stop because the rain will soon stop and i will always have the strength.. feeling much more better and stronger to walk ahead...enjoying the aftermath.

 "Oh you who believe! Persevere in patience and constancy. Vie in such perseverance, strengthen each other, and be pious, that you may prosper." (Ali Imran : 200)

  

Deals in life and sequence

Deals in life are not always as often according to our preferred sequence.. as what Dato Sri Nazri has mentioned in his blog: Deals just don't come in your preferred sequence and you just have to move or forever hold your peace as it were..


I am sure that everyone of us would feel that when things happened accordingly to your plan then, your life at that particular day is perfect.. You begin to praise GOD for things that are happening to your liking. But then when the sequence is not according to your preferences you begin to feel down.. gloomy.. then you begin to label your day for that moment as sad, miserable....



Like others.. i would always have to fight my emotions.. i would be angry at myself for putting up hopes so high up that when deals in life do not appear in my preferred sequence i begin to crumble..
I spent the whole day today fighting over my feelings about the deals in my life that do not happen according to my preferred sequence.. i was angry at myself because i should not put - on the first place- any hope.. for the only hope i should put is NOT on the deals according to my preferred sequence but to GOD!!! Everything is in GOD's hand.

It was only towards the day's end... it all begin to fill my thoughts. All praise to GOD.. I was reminded that  I need to go back to the basics- deliver my self to GOD. Though i thought that i need the deals in my life to be in my preferred sequence, but then again... i need to remind myself.. it is not in GOD's willing to allow such sequence for that particular moment. Though it is hard for me to swallow... it is bitter.. but i have grit my teeth and move on or hold my peace... for whatever happens is according to GOD's plan - it's the sequence that GOD plan for me for this particular moment. I have to accept that it is sequence meant for me. Things happened according to GOD's plan for me. I have to bear.. there's no need to ask why it happened.. just request and pray that GOD will show u why it happen so that u would be a better person tomorrow.. Whatever it is... GOD listens.. It is we that have to be patient and aware that the world is not ours to rule according to our preferred sequence - it belongs to GOD- the Almighty.. for God's greatness is far beyond human comprehension. Just deliver ourselves to God and have faith.. for God knows what is best and when is the best for deals to happen according to sequence that God has plan for us..

It is He who has sent down to you, [O Muhammad], the Book; in it are verses [that are] precise - they are the foundation of the Book - and others unspecific. As for those in whose hearts is deviation [from truth], they will follow that of it which is unspecific, seeking discord and seeking an interpretation [suitable to them]. And no one knows its [true] interpretation except Allah . But those firm in knowledge say, "We believe in it. All [of it] is from our Lord." And no one will be reminded except those of understanding.      (Ali Imran: 7)

Thank God... though it's raining in your heart..

It's raining in my heart again today.. i'm writing this down as a reminder to myself.. so that the rain in my heart would be something that would nourish me- just like what the rain does to the nature.

Have you ever feel that..
when it rains in your hearts.. the life that you lead seems to appear very cold and empty.
I began to feel that.. what is there left for me now..
At the moment.. walking a single step would seemed like a mile.. a crawl would only be the only way to pass through life that very day.. and it has become just the matter of surviving every moment that I have....

Urghhhhh - don't you just hate that!! How at that particular moment- you wish you have the strength to just stand and walk with your chin up high - embracing life as it should be..

but.. to think again..
I think- yes, we do need the rain in our hearts.. for- once, after the rain.. things will appear clearer and we are able to look at things into deeper meaning..into various angles and perspectives.

At times like this.. like it or not - we should push ourselves to the limit.. SEARCH...
search.. the reasons why we should be thankful ...
look beyond everything and start looking for things we should be grateful..
Even if we couldn't-  we have to!


If there's nothing of silver lining of whatsoever that we could see.. then- look away... look out for other things that make us smile and be grateful..
We SHOULD!
whatever is holding us to feel this way... whoever is making us feeling so gloomy and sad..
just push it away.. things that is out of our reach... out of our ability to change... we should just put aside..
and deliver ourselves to the Al-Mighty...

Be grateful in whatever way because it would be unfair..
It is unfair for us to feel sad about our life for God has given us a chance.. another day to make a difference, to embrace life..
It is unfair for us to feel there's nothing left for us.. when there's plentiful for us to look upon and be grateful..
.................... a reminder for me .............

Some may think that - yeah right! It is easier said than done.
It is not the matter of doing .. it is the matter of being fair to yourself. It is also the matter of being thankful to God.. no matter what -for God has bestowed us abundance! We just need to look beyond and be more observant. Just be grateful.
Every raindrop has its own beauty in every other way.. be it through the ray of sunlight after the rain or even in the rain itself.. Embrace it.. and be strong.. it is the process of nourishing our souls..the process of teaching ourselves to be grateful no matter what- for being thankful we would free ourselves from being greed and envy- and with only that we could embrace life meaningfully and we could understand that though it rains in our hearts.. life is still precious to just stay gloomy...

Dear heart.. be strong for me.. I want to be grateful.... always..

"And He gives you all that you ask for. But if you count the favours of Allah, never will you be able to number them. Verily, man is given up to injustice and ingratitude." ~ Ibrahim: 34 ~

Heaven sent..

"It's not me.. it's through me..'
these are the very words my friend had said..and i believe that - this is the very aspect that we should see where do we stand.. living our lives and at the same time deliver ourselves to the AL-MIGHTY...

Years ago.. i never had thought this.. I had made a lot of mistakes putting labels on people and things that would make me happy and feel complete about my life.. when things happened unexpectedly- caught me off guard and suddenly life wasn't that great anymore... mistakes over mistakes i began to commit until i could not  find any silver lining in every cloud i had passed through..

Then.. came along a long lost friend.. as if our path crossed as planned.. i begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.. i admire her courage, strength, ambition but most of all..  her sense of living is admirable... whenever i express my admiration- she would remind me- it is not her... it is through her.. God has created her and it is in god's plan for her to be all that she is so that she could help others. What she said has truly hit me. I never thought that way.

I took her words and i begin to notice how all these years i had missed out a lot- God listens.. It is me- who should change the way i view the world... if happiness i need- then happiness will it be- it is just that it will not come knocking on our door just like a package we had ordered online.. it is not through our definition of happiness but- GOD's... for.. God knows what actually, truly would make us happy for that particular moment.. it is heaven sent-

It is not the person or things that would make u happy- nope!
No more labeling- we have to stop right there..
Why:
-because by labeling - we have limit ourselves to be happy..
-because by labeling - we have victimized ourselves for not being thankful of what God has given us..
-because by labeling - we have put a barrier to cherish life..

Yup- we have to stop right there..
It is not the person or things.. but God grant your wish through them..
Look.. observe.. analyse.. what have we pray for.. what have we wish for..
if we wish for happiness.. it is through them.. we will receive happiness.. the person or the things are not the icon of happiness.. it is through them..
i use to think that when i am with someone whom for me make me happy.. then my life for that day is the perfect one.. ermmm- so naive ehhh...
i was so blind in searching, hoping and worst! expecting for that someone to make me happy that i didn't realized others who have crossed my path have actually paint my day with happiness.. in the end.. blinded with hopes and expectation placed upon the so-called-my icon of happiness... i was sucked back into the whirlpool of depression... urggghhhhhh... a moment of life wasted!!! totally wasted!!

Now.. no more.. what she had said to me that very day.. had opened my eyes..
my days are filled with little surprises.. heaven sent..
it's no longer the icon... but the happening...
not only that.. whatever comes by.. i try to look beyond.. it's heaven sent.. it must be good..
God listens.....
When i feel lonely.. and when i thought my nyte would be lonely for the one i need was not there.... God sent me friends.. and sometimes.. individuals i never expect to meet or even chat with.... God listens..
When i feel incomplete .. struggling to feel confident about myself.. God sent me capabilities to make me feel good about myself.. be it things like to-die-for pair of stilettos or even friends with simple compliments that would make you gloat.. the thing is.. God listens...
And all it was and still is... it is not them... it is through them...

"....when my servants question you about ME, tell them that I am very close to them. I answer the prayer of every suppliant when he calls ME; therefore they should respond to ME and put their trust in ME, so that they may be rightly guided..."

(al-baqarah: 186) 

Some Wishful Thinking...

I never thought that one day i would write this way....
I never thought that those wishful thinking would actually came true...
and.. that is why... BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU WISH FOR..
and.. I definitely sure i am not proud of what happened.. its just something that i feel that i need to highlight so that anyone.. who is in the same shoe as mine would understand and able to look into different perspectives..

I have battling with problems in my personal relationship for years.. it was not just a simple case where a third party is involved.. or maybe it was and it still is... It was heart-wrenching and everyday was a battle for me - struggling to get through the day without ever thinking about my other half.. or so-called-soulmate.. It was untill one day - out of the blue.. some wishful thinking... 'WHAT IF'- happens!


All these years - i believe to fall for someone it would take time...
All these years - i thought that to allow someone into your heart would mean a series of effort of knowing each other first.. learning about each other.. get connected with that someone with the things that both would be sharing together....

Unfortunately.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA- i was wrong!!!! Really wrong!!!!!!!
I would blame on the lonely nytes i sailed without anyone to cuddle n bla bla bla... I would blame on the late nytes hanging out in FB lounge.. yesss... the blaming list would go on and on.....BUT the point is... it happened!

I was struck!!.. Dumbfounded, I began to feel the feelings that i have longed for.. I kept on arguing with myself  with this ILLOGIC happening.. then- it hit me.... God LISTENS!!

I began to understand how my other half was struggling when he was luvstruck.. It must be so difficult for him to fight his feelings.. yearning for somebody when at the same time he was with me.. I began to understand... NOBODY who is married in their right mind would wish 'TODAY I WOULD GO OUT THERE AND FALL IN LOVE..'

When it deals with feelings.. it is not easy to just simply throw away... They are not small stones that u collect on the beach and throw them to the sea..

I would consider myself lucky for i have found answers to many of my questions all these years about my man's affair... Although things are still the same.. i am still bound with the same old problem.. with now extra luggage of 'pain' .. and it is a bitter lesson to learn.. but at least i understand and therefore.. i began to let go every bit of resentment of being so-called-cheated.. every bit of frustrations of being put aside- ignored-loveless.. and just forgive him... After all... who are we to deny - what has happened - happens with GOD's will... it is up to us to think, decide and act upon it.. I would say that what ever it is - it is GOOD.. God gives us good things... it is US to make it great for us... all it takes is just think for a moment.. and of course deliver ourselves to GOD..

"....then, after this grief, HE bestowed peace on some of you - a slumber which overcame them - while the others were stirred to anxiety by their own fancies, holding unjust and wrong suspicions about Allah, the suspicions of ignorance. Now they ask: 'Have we any say in the matter?" Tell them:"All matters are in the hands of Allah." They hide in their minds what they dare not reveal to you. They mean to say: "If we had any say in the matter, none of us would have been killed here." Say to them:"Even if you had remained in your homes, those of you who were destined to be killed would nevertheless have been killed; but it was Allah's will to test your faith and purge what was in your hearts. Allah has knowledge of the secrets of your hearts."...

                                                                               (Al-Imran: 154)